Nobody prepares you for what it's like when your parents get sick. I don't consider myself to be particularly reliant on my mum, but the thought that in the near future I won't just be able to ring her up and ask for advice is hard. Or that she won't be there at big life events.
Of course we never know how things are going to progress and you have to make the most of every minute, but just because they're ill doesn't mean they don't still wind you up. And that's hard, because how can you get mad at someone who might not be the same for much longer? It's incredibly frustrating, because there has to be a shift in your relationship with them. No longer do I phone just for a chat, no, it's a catch up, checking for progress with doctors, listening for signs of deterioration, a struggle not to say "Yes you told me this already and the last time we spoke" when you hear the same story for the 10th time and a battle to stay patient when you have to repeat information over and over.
What's harder to manage are the expectations of others. My boyfriend asks me regularly if I've spoken to my mum that day. Usually the answer is no. Over the past few years it's maybe a once a week occurrence and that was good for us. Now it's maybe 2 or 3 times a week, but I'm made to feel guilty that it isn't every day when he asks. But you know what, it's too damn hard. Maybe I'm not a nice person, but I like to think I'm pretty caring and not a worse daughter for not calling daily. I think my mum would feel guilty if I did, like she was monopolising my time, or being a burden, something that she never wants to be. So I'm going to stick to my routine and anyone who tries to make me feel guilty about it can just keep their mouth shut and leave me alone. It's hard enough managing my own guilt for not visiting more, not chatting longer, not really wanting to go home but feeling obliged to, without having additional guilt piled on by others.
In the next couple of months my mum's old boss is throwing her a party, basically a retirement/thank you party. I can't imagine how stressed she's going to be on that day. Yes the people will be familiar, but revisiting the problem over and over will be exhausting, the expectation of people for her to still be 'ok' because they know there's a problem but don't realise the extent of it. And then there's the little things: what to wear, remembering which day it is, the need for reassurance that the jacket matches the outfit and that her hair isn't too 'witchy'. Only someone close to her can help to navigate these small problems which could turn what should be a lovely day into a potential day of panic. Obviously I've offered to go up to escort her, but even still it's going to be tough for both of us.
I think the message today is that other people need to stop piling their expectations on us and just let us muddle through in our own weird and wonderful way. Life's hard enough and too short as it is without feeling bad for only doing your best.
