Self perception

Since I was about 16 I've struggled to accept how I looked, and have had a very negative body image.

Over the years I abused my body trying to gain some control and make myself happy with what I saw in the mirror. It took seeing the effects of not eating on one of my friends to snap me out of that stage, but I can still remember the thrill of control and always being on the edge.

These days I weigh about the same as I did when I wasn't eating properly, I train almost daily after discovering rowing at university and building up some fitness and I eat well. I'm running a half marathon to fundraiser for an Alzheimer's charity in a couple of weeks and overall I'd objectively say I'm in pretty good shape.

So why do I still feel like I'm this girl? 

If you asked most people who know me now they wouldn't recognise me. I wish I didn't recognise me. 

What strikes me from looking at the old photos of myself before the obsessing began is how happy I look in all of them. I look comfortable in myself and in my questionable fashion sense. 

In a few days I will have to start taking care of my mum whilst working full time. The stress of juggling those makes me want to bury my head in the sand and deny myself food to gain some control. But I'm an adult now. I can't just use hunger to hide from my problems. I need to be the responsible adult and plan both of our lives over the next few months, and gets longer term.

How do you begin to advertise for someone to help with the complex needs of an early onset Alzheimer's patient, especially one as intelligent as my mother. How much help is actually required? How do you ensure you don't get woken up in the morning after a nightshift? How do you juggle it all without going insane?

Travelling with someone with Alzheimer's

The worst thing about travelling with someone with Alzheimer's is not the disease, it's the fact you have to be with them at all times. No more, if you want to do this and I don't, we'll split up and meet at a certain point at a given time. No, you have to watch them, even in a shop not letting them out of your site. It's exhausting. 

As are the constant questions of what are we doing now, where are we going, and the running commentary of impossible memories.

Meal times become a battle, much like with a 2 year old, what do they want to eat and how much? You find yourself monitoring intake and gently encouraging them to have a couple of forks more. This is no longer a mother daughter relationship. The roles are reversed and now it's the parent that needs monitored and not let out of sight. It's exhausting.

Then there's the medication. Never go anywhere with someone on new medication, especially if a possible side effect is stomach upsets. That, combined with unfamiliar food leads to days of burping, complaining, asking for one specific thing and being generally pathetic. Until you want to scream and shout. Of course you understand, but it's still maddening. It does stop the constant monologue about how they've been here and done all the same things before right down to getting indigestion and going to the same pharmacist. I don't know which is better in all honesty.

So instead of relishing a little bit of quiet time alone at breakfast you sit worrying about them and preparing for the stream of abuse about how selfish, cruel, uncaring you are for not meeting their demands. And worrying that they'll get stressed, leave the room to try and find you and get lost in the process. No rest for the wicked.

The key to minimising tears and tantrums is to lower your voice. Like successful politicians and people in power, a deeper voice conveys authority, doesn't give the impression of being irritated and keeps them calm. A blessing when you normally can't go 5 minutes without tears, or getting called a horrible, selfish person.  You have to let those words wash over you and not take them to heart. Not reacting to the insults or tears is key, otherwise the episodes last longer. Listen to every impossible story, but don't agree or disagree, just let them know you're listening, and be prepared to hear the same story again with different people and set in a different time.