Over the years I abused my body trying to gain some control and make myself happy with what I saw in the mirror. It took seeing the effects of not eating on one of my friends to snap me out of that stage, but I can still remember the thrill of control and always being on the edge.
These days I weigh about the same as I did when I wasn't eating properly, I train almost daily after discovering rowing at university and building up some fitness and I eat well. I'm running a half marathon to fundraiser for an Alzheimer's charity in a couple of weeks and overall I'd objectively say I'm in pretty good shape.
So why do I still feel like I'm this girl?
If you asked most people who know me now they wouldn't recognise me. I wish I didn't recognise me.
What strikes me from looking at the old photos of myself before the obsessing began is how happy I look in all of them. I look comfortable in myself and in my questionable fashion sense.
In a few days I will have to start taking care of my mum whilst working full time. The stress of juggling those makes me want to bury my head in the sand and deny myself food to gain some control. But I'm an adult now. I can't just use hunger to hide from my problems. I need to be the responsible adult and plan both of our lives over the next few months, and gets longer term.
How do you begin to advertise for someone to help with the complex needs of an early onset Alzheimer's patient, especially one as intelligent as my mother. How much help is actually required? How do you ensure you don't get woken up in the morning after a nightshift? How do you juggle it all without going insane?
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