This weekend I took my lovely boyfriend home to meet my Mum. Before the event I was worried about how she would behave and whether I would end up in my standard ball of stress like I do every time I spend time with her.
For the most part I had nothing to worry about. My mum is absolutely smitten with him and keeps asking me why I kept him hidden for so long. For the record I didn't hide it, she just happens to be hundreds of miles away and forgetful. I can never escape the stress completely, there were a couple of melt down moments and a few times she started crying and shouting at me, but never in front of him. I think because he didn't see that side of her he found some of my treatment of her a bit cold.
Maybe I am cold and callous towards her and the situation at times, but emotionally detaching myself from it all is the way I've learned to cope. This is a throwback from my teenage years where I kept everything inside and that didn't end well at all. He made the point that I need to think about whether, if I was in her situation, I would be happy to be treated the way I speak to her. I think I would be, but I'm not sure. That comment left me crying at brunch and left him feeling a little bit awkward, understandably.
Whilst I was up in Scotland my flatmate went out with my work friends and ended up meeting the guy I was seeing last summer and now they are talking. Talk about a small world! I think I'm ok with it all, but I don't want her to get hurt in the way I did. Nearly 10 months on and I've still not had an apology but he has suggested meeting up because he wants to clear the air.
I'm not sure I want to go through with it, but I think I should probably be an adult about it all. I mean thanks to the way things turned out I now have an amazing man and what some may even call a proper grown up relationship. He knows all about this, but I'm still worried that in some way meeting up to maybe get an apology will hurt him. Who can tell.
It's been a long time since I felt the need to write down my thoughts, and a lot has changed in that time.
I'm living in the same place, but with a new person. I'm working for the same firm but I have a new role. I'm keeping fit but in a new way. And I'm in a happy relationship with someone who loves me for who I am.
In a couple of weeks I'm going to be taking my new boyfriend home to meet my mum. I met his family a couple of months back so I'm not afraid of the 'oooo commitment' kinda thing. But I do worry about how he'll see me after my mother brings out the best and worst in me.
The frustration I feel when trying to deal with her can't be hidden, and in the past it's led me to make some pretty shitty life choices if I'm honest. But those choices got me to where I am today and have made me who I am, so in a weird way I'm thankful. I'm still scared though - what if he sees me getting wound up by her and wonders why I don't show more compassion? What if she winds me up so much I start taking it out on him? He doesn't deserve that - but I shouldn't have to internalise it and deal with it alone.
Today I sent her an email to confirm the dates we would be coming up (written communication works best with her disease, things get lost between telling her and being written down + the ability to write has become a frustrating and sometimes fruitless task). Within minutes I had a phone-call and voicemail, but I was making muffins so hadn't picked it up. The phone rang again and she's agitated and telling me her iphone has rearranged itself and that I didn't tell her which dates I was coming. I put on my soothing voice and try to figure out what's wrong with the phone. I get nowhere. I recommend she goes to the apple store to get it looked at. I mean, if I thought my phone was going to overheat/blow up I'd want it seen to as soon as possible, that suggestion leads to hysterics. We finally get back on topic and I tell her firmly but kindly that the dates are in the email, she just needs to read it again. Cue the tears. I tell her the dates. She forgets. I repeat them, and then repeat them again. Eventually I shout them down the phone to her (I'm not proud of it) and then hang up.
When she's having a crisis and I'm 350+ miles away I feel so helpless and agitated at her resistance to doing anything that could help her. Even the things I could do to help, like organising an online shop to be delivered so she doesn't have to trawl round the shops get turned down. The disease has made her stubborn and given her the ability talk herself out of anything which could make life easier.
It's the fear in her voice and the uncertainty that scares me the most. I don't want to turn into her as she is now. I don't know this person, but I need to look after her the best I can from hundreds of miles away. I feel guilty for not doing more and the guilt brings up all the old feelings stemming from lack of control. When things with her are going badly my mind is telling me to slip back into old habits which is where the real battle begins.
How do you cope when your parents need help with day to day tasks, hundreds of miles away? How do you deal with the stress?
