It's been a long time since I felt the need to write down my thoughts, and a lot has changed in that time.
I'm living in the same place, but with a new person. I'm working for the same firm but I have a new role. I'm keeping fit but in a new way. And I'm in a happy relationship with someone who loves me for who I am.
In a couple of weeks I'm going to be taking my new boyfriend home to meet my mum. I met his family a couple of months back so I'm not afraid of the 'oooo commitment' kinda thing. But I do worry about how he'll see me after my mother brings out the best and worst in me.
The frustration I feel when trying to deal with her can't be hidden, and in the past it's led me to make some pretty shitty life choices if I'm honest. But those choices got me to where I am today and have made me who I am, so in a weird way I'm thankful. I'm still scared though - what if he sees me getting wound up by her and wonders why I don't show more compassion? What if she winds me up so much I start taking it out on him? He doesn't deserve that - but I shouldn't have to internalise it and deal with it alone.
Today I sent her an email to confirm the dates we would be coming up (written communication works best with her disease, things get lost between telling her and being written down + the ability to write has become a frustrating and sometimes fruitless task). Within minutes I had a phone-call and voicemail, but I was making muffins so hadn't picked it up. The phone rang again and she's agitated and telling me her iphone has rearranged itself and that I didn't tell her which dates I was coming. I put on my soothing voice and try to figure out what's wrong with the phone. I get nowhere. I recommend she goes to the apple store to get it looked at. I mean, if I thought my phone was going to overheat/blow up I'd want it seen to as soon as possible, that suggestion leads to hysterics. We finally get back on topic and I tell her firmly but kindly that the dates are in the email, she just needs to read it again. Cue the tears. I tell her the dates. She forgets. I repeat them, and then repeat them again. Eventually I shout them down the phone to her (I'm not proud of it) and then hang up.
When she's having a crisis and I'm 350+ miles away I feel so helpless and agitated at her resistance to doing anything that could help her. Even the things I could do to help, like organising an online shop to be delivered so she doesn't have to trawl round the shops get turned down. The disease has made her stubborn and given her the ability talk herself out of anything which could make life easier.
It's the fear in her voice and the uncertainty that scares me the most. I don't want to turn into her as she is now. I don't know this person, but I need to look after her the best I can from hundreds of miles away. I feel guilty for not doing more and the guilt brings up all the old feelings stemming from lack of control. When things with her are going badly my mind is telling me to slip back into old habits which is where the real battle begins.
How do you cope when your parents need help with day to day tasks, hundreds of miles away? How do you deal with the stress?
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